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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

¿Quién eres tú?

I realize it’s been almost 2 months now that I’ve been home in Wisconsin and this post is long overdue. However, the truths that I have written about are still as true today as they were 2 months ago.

“Hola, eso es Kelsey, una americana.” or “Hi, this is Kelsey, an American.” Every person that I met, Carmen Gaston introduced me that way. Kelsey, the American. After I noticed this, I began to watch people’s faces after she said that. Most of the time their eyes got a little bigger and they would smile at me. Some people would be interested and want to talk and others would just do the kisses and move on. It didn’t bother me that she said that, but I think sometimes “Hey! I’m more than just an American. There is more to me than that.”

Throughout my time in Spain, I’ve discovered more of who Kelsey TeBeest is. I think being in a foreign place with people you aren’t commonly around forces you to define yourself more, and God reveals things to you that you may not have seen back home. From being immersed in another culture, you experience so many new things, and if I were here only a couple weeks or so that’s all it would be, experiences.

However, since it’s been much longer than that, I’ve had to choose, “yes I like that and I think I’ll take that with me” or “nope, that’s not really for me.” This process was hard at first as I struggled with the ideas like “well, if I don’t like this and don’t want to do it, then I’m not really immersing myself in the culture,” but over time, God washed away those lies. Being put in situations like trying to figure out living with people I didn’t know, trying to learn the language and understand the culture, being without a real cell phone and without my true family and best buds, revealed things to me about myself that I never knew before. Often times it grew patience in me and taught me that just going with the flow and taking what comes my way was best for me. By the end of my study abroad, I had learned so much more about myself and now would encourage everyone to study abroad.

Then, the internship began, and I remember talking with Paula, and I said, “Well, I know that my identity lies in Christ.” She replied, “What does that mean to you? Who are you in Christ?” I hadn’t really thought specifically about that and what it means in my heart and how that affects who I am. I knew the basics in my head, but were they in my heart? I wasn’t sure if everything had made that difficult transfer, so I asked God to reveal to me who I was and to reveal to me His love as I was struggling with that a lot.

I hated to admit it to God and to other people, but I was struggling accepting the truth that God loves me. I was reading a lot about God’s compassion and redemption of the Israelites and how they would see His glory as He restored them. I began to think that God did everything just for His glory and not because He really loved me. Yes, I know, kind of crazy. God’s love is so essential to the foundation of our faith. I was ashamed to have these thoughts. I knew in my head that God loves us and had read it and been told it multiple times, but my heart couldn’t grasp it.

Throughout the internship, God revealed to me His love and who I am in Him. God showed me His love through other people as I saw them continually love on others in ways I know are not humanly possible. I experienced God’s love as people loved me. Through scripture, God continued to tell me of His love.

Paula had lent me the book, Abba’s Child, and it talked a lot about what it means to be God’s Child. It brought up the fact that sometimes people think of God as human. This hit me so hard even though I’d heard it before because that’s exactly what I was doing. I was putting God inside a box and not understanding how He could possibly love us and be glorified. I’m such a selfish person that I can’t really fathom how someone can love people so much AND do things for their own self.

“…For I am God, and not man.” Hosea 11:9

God just hit me with it over and over again. He is GOD. It seems like such an easy concept and silly that I didn’t get it, but I honestly didn’t. Realizing He is God and what that means allowed me to see even more of His love and understand more how He loves us. It’s so overwhelming how much He loves us, and I know that my heart can’t even grasp it all.

As I was walking down the street in Paris, I was thinking about how much God loves me and how incredible it is that He loves me SO incredibly much. Then, I began to focus on each person that walked past, so unique and beautiful, and I thought about how God loves each and every person on that street and in this world THAT much. Wow! It blows my mind to think about how much love God has.

With Christ as my Savior and my identity in Him, I know that I am loved. I am loved beyond my understanding.

I also know that I am wickedly sinful. That is part of who I am.

I realize that I don’t want to be seen as sinful. I want to be seen as a good person and cover up any sin that I may have so others don’t see it. Yet, my sin is part of who I am and part of who we all are. That’s the reason that we’re all in need of Jesus. Rather than cover up my sin and pretend it’s not there, I’ve got to acknowledge it and allow it to lead me to the cross. In Christ, I am adopted as God’s daughter. I am an heir.

“So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has also made you an heir.” Galations 4:7

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs –heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ….” Romans 8:17

I know that I will continue to discover who I am throughout my life as I continue to experience new things, as God reveals Himself to me, and as the gospel continues to makes the stretch from my head to my heart.


For now, I know that while I am Kelsey, the American, I am also Kelsey the sinner, and Kelsey the beloved, and Kelsey the daughter of God, and Kelsey an heir of God and co-heir with Christ.

It’s been an incredible journey to dig deeper into who I really am, and I know that I’ll continue to find out more about myself throughout my lifetime. If you haven’t dug deeper, I encourage you to do so, and I ask, Who are you?